Gaining a Stepchild Doesn't Mean Losing Yourself

When I started dating my husband, I was working on becoming a writer and he had a 5 year old son.  I had no children and knew I was not ready for children.  I had so much more I wanted to do in life.  I enjoyed my freedom and being responsible only for myself.  I had time to read and write as much as I wanted, when I wanted.  I didn’t plan on marrying this man.  Especially since he had a kid!  But hey, we can’t predict the future and here I am 7 years later a wife and stepmom.  I felt that I purposely guarded myself against having children for a reason and now I am forced to be responsible for and give my time and resources to a child who is not even mine.  What do I do with this situation?  Complain that I never have time for myself anymore?  Complain that the most creative thing I get to write now (besides this blog) is the list of chores on the dry erase board for my son?  Complain that instead of reading Jane Austen and Oscar Wilde, I now have to read field trip slips and all things Dr. Seuss?  No (well maybe a little).  Being a stepmother has definitely taken away some of my freedoms and attention to my own creativity, but I have no choice but to make time for the things that are important to me in life or I will drive myself insane.  Where before I became a mother, I could spontaneously read or write for hours on end.  Well, now I just have to work on my time management skills and plan ahead to fit in brief reading and writing sessions.  I use my stepson as motivation to make time for myself so that I can be a better person for me and for him.  Dealing with a child also forces my mind to work in ways it never had before when all I dealt with where college students and adults.  Children are just full of imagination and creativity and therefore perfect little wells of writing material!

You Don't Own The Kid

Many parents treat their children like possessions.  When you possess or own something, it belongs to you.  It is not its own.  You control every aspect of the item.  You can do with it what you want, treat it how you want, share it as you see fit, or keep it all to yourself.  Most biological mothers that I know treat their children just like this.  I am not saying this is either good or bad, but it is just the way it is.  It could be a good thing in that the mother is taking complete responsibility for her child’s well-being.  It could be a bad thing in that the mother looks at the child as an object instead of a person with his or her own wants and needs.  Possession definitely should not be confused with love.  Just because a parent possesses and/or takes care of a child does not mean there is love there.  Some people possess their children just to avoid paying child support, to use as tax write-offs, or to use as servants.  Fortunately stepparents do not have as much tendency or temptation to possess their stepchildren.  No matter how close the stepparent and stepchild are, the biological parent still gets the final say-so in all things concerning the child.  My stepson lives with us full time so in our household I (along with my husband) get the final say-so in what goes on pertaining to him.  But major life situations and what he does when he is with his mother I do not have absolute control of.  I can love him, take care of him, teach him, and guide him, but I could never possess him. 

You're Not a Wicked Stepmom, You're Just a Mom!

Should a stepmother ever feel aggravation, resentment, or jealousy towards her stepchild?  Of course!  All mothers have those feelings at some point towards their children, step, biological, adopted, or whatever.  I used to wonder if it were wrong for me to sometimes feel this way about my stepson.  I thought I was being a bad mother or even a bad person for feeling this way towards a child.  His father would tell me “Just wait until you have your own kids.  I bet you won’t act like that then.”  But he couldn’t be more wrong!  Knowing that I am not my stepson’s biological mother, I curb my negative feelings towards him because I don’t want to put a wedge between us, give him reasons not to accept me, or have him give horrible accounts of my actions to his biological mother.  If he were my own son, I wouldn’t need to guard myself as much.  Feelings like this are inevitable in mothering and parenting in general.  Any child who is talking my ear off while I am trying to read, work, sleep, etc. would aggravate me, regardless of my relationship to him or her.  It is normal to feel a bit of resentment when you realize the money you were saving for your new outfit will have to go towards school clothes for your son instead.  It is natural to be jealous of that childish innocence, freedom, and lack of responsibility.  I really used to beat myself up when negative feelings towards my stepson would arise.  I would think that subconsciously, these feelings mean I want his father all to myself or that I wish he would go live with his mother instead of us.  In reality, none of these feelings meant any of that.  I have all I need of his father and I love the fact that his son lives with us.  After reading the writings of Adrienne Rich in Of Woman Born I now know that I am not the only mother who has these feelings and that I am not a bad mother or a bad person because of it.  I am a real person, a real mother, who has real feelings and emotions.  In her book she gives very explicit accounts of her and other mothers’ negative feelings towards their children and how bad they felt because of these feelings until they realized these feelings are totally normal and how to deal with them.

Relations With a Lesbian (Not What You Are Thinking!)

Writer and mother Cherrie Moraga recounts her feelings and emotions during her experience of raising another woman’s son in their lesbian relationship. Moraga was a stepmother to her partner’s toddler Joel. She questioned her ability to be a mother because she is a lesbian. When I read a portion of her book where she talks about her relationship with Joel, I found that I understood to a certain extent what she was going through even though I am not a lesbian. Her situation and mine are not all that different. The closeness she gradually began to feel for Joel, the sweet memories she has of her encounters with him, and the hurt she felt when he was taken from her are all things that I have experienced. Like Moraga, who had no biological children at the time that Joel was in her life, I also have no biological children. Until about 3 years ago, I never thought much about having children. I always questioned my capability to be a good mother and to be responsible for every aspect of another person’s life. I assumed one day I would because that is just what a woman is supposed to do. Moraga assumed she wouldn’t because that is not what a lesbian is supposed to do. We both had our assumptions about what a woman’s life is supposed to be like. I suggest stepmothers read more about her story. It is an interesting tale that exposes the doubts, fears, longings, and joys of suddenly becoming a mother to a child you did not birth and developing urges to have one of your own.

Stepmother Account: DENIED!!!

What happens when a stepmother is denied the opportunity to be a mother to her stepchild? What if the child is not open to letting her be his/her mother? What if the biological mother makes it difficult for a bond to form between the stepmother and the child? What if the stepmother is too afraid of rejection to even try? Stepmothering can be difficult for both mothers involved. The real mother may be jealous and spiteful and attempt to sabotage any relationship you may try to have with her child just to make your life hell. Or, she may be genuinely concerned about or afraid of another woman taking care of her child. She may be afraid you will replace her in her child’s life. The best way to handle this is for all the parents and the child (if maturity level permits) to discuss the expectations of everyone’s role in the child’s life and the expectations of the child himself. I, my husband, my stepson’s biological mother, and her two fiancés (not simultaneously, of course) have done this several times to make sure everything goes smoothly. We do this whenever we feel it is appropriate (as our son ages, when a new person is introduced into the relationship, when something feels like it is going wrong with the arrangement). The purpose is to make sure none of the relationships are strained. Denying the stepmother the opportunity to form a loving, trusting relationship with the child will cause resentment, regret, bottled up feelings, to run rampant through both households, which will ruin what could be a very loving and working arrangement for everyone. Stepmothers should also not be afraid to form a bond with the child. An appropriate parent-child relationship can be so rewarding, fulfilling, and exciting. And most likely you will be in this child’s life for a very long time so it is best to start forming the bond early and watch it flourish.

Bloggin' It Up!

Blogs are a great resource for stepmothers! Suddenly being placed in the role of taking care of a child is scary. Seven years ago when I entered the life of a five year old boy, I had no idea what to do. Do I try to be his friend? Do I discipline him when he needs it? Is it OK for me to bathe him? What if he thinks I am taking up his time and attention with his father? What if he likes his biological mother’s cooking better than mine? A stepmother can find so many answers to these questions via blogs. A variety of answers can be found and the stepmother can choose which ones work best for her and her family. I seem to have the hang of being a stepmother now after seven years, but I still have situations and experiences for which I find advice via mommy blogs. How do I comfort him when his biological mother has broken promises or chosen something over him? How do I react to his mother when she is m.i.a. for major aspects of his life and then waltzes in like she’s the world’s best mom? How do I react when people tell me, “your son looks just like you!”? Below is a list of some of my favorite stepmommy blogs:

http://wickedstepmom.blogspot.com/
This one is especially interesting because the author is now divorced from her stepchildren’s father but still very much a part of their lives. The divorce happened in the midst of her blog so you get to see her experiences before and after the divorce.
http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/stb-blog/
There is a wonderful poem on this site from a stepmother to a biological mother. This is very helpful when I have feelings of wanting to rip my son’s biological mother’s hair out! Her ‘Savvy Stepmom’ pieces also give guidance for being the best stepmom you can be.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/142
This one has a lot of reader action on it. It’s not just recounts the author’s experiences. There are a lot of interesting situations, questions, and answers posted there by, from, and for stepmoms.